Who is the real victim?

I've always tried to rally on the side of the victim, especially in cases where the victim has been sexually assaulted. Truth be told, stepping up and telling someone that you have been molested, and or raped is amazingly difficult. And after you have admitted it to yourself, which can be incredibly hard, and admitted it to that first person- victims often have to face the reality of retelling the assault again to complete strangers (doctors, police, juries etc.). For many, every time the assault is spoken of, they relive the events again. A friend once told me "You feel the physical pain once, you feel the emotional pain forever". Add to that pain the simple fact that some people will accuse you of lying, that even friends may not believe it, or that a jury may not give you the justice you deserve... and the experience becomes a nightmare in every way possible. I know how hard that road can be to go down... so I always try to stand on the side of the victim.

That being said, I have to mention that the victim is not always the one claiming to have been assaulted. Sometimes, the victims are the ones that have been accused, and the offenders are those that do the accusing.

Lately, on a personal note, a well respected friend has been accused of heinous crimes. The accuser has done their part to tarnish a man who has worked hard to support victims, who has pledged time and money to help bring stronger laws against those who would actually commit these crimes. The situation was presented to me very matter of factly, but as hard as I tried to be objective, I couldn't fully believe the story. Perhaps it was the source from where the information was coming from, or the details that didn't seem to fit right. More than likely it was the fact that the accused was so well respected. And I had to accept that. I know, after all the reading and researching that too often the offender is a well respected person. Which put me in a position I was not completely comfortable with.

On one hand, I had my friend, an ali, and someone I respected and desired to be loyal to. On the other hand, there was a alleged victim, and I've always tried to side with the victim. I could not remain completely untouched by this, because once the information was presented to me, I had to make a decision on where I stood, on who I would believe. Except, my friend had not informed me of the situation, he hadn't stepped up to defend himself, nor was anyone else it seems. I thought about it. And then, I did what any friend would do, I forwarded the information to him- in case he was not aware of it, and explained that he owed me no explanation. That it was not my place to judge him.

He provided a explanation, but by that time, I had already come to the conclusion that yes, there was a victim in this case, only it was my friend and not the accuser. It's not just because he was my friend that I came to that conclusion- I watched as the whole thing unfolded elsewhere, and with every comment by the accuser- I found it harder to buy. I'm sure many will disagree with my belief on this... and that's okay. I only hope that they attempt to understand that at times, the would be victim lies.

I was not going to make a public issue out of this yet, until I read piece of Commentary this morning about Rich Gorman of Orlando. And, I felt guilty for not speaking up sooner, publicly. I was putting off what I should have been doing. You see, my friend and this Rick Gorman are not the only people hurt by false allegations. It also hurts real victims. False allegation often have a trickling effect, making the next person who steps forward seems less believable too. It is the "well so and so lied, how do we know this one isn't lying" concept.

For the past six months, I've been staring at a 30-pound box filled with court documents and what's left of a young man's life following one college night and
a 5- to 15-second disputed sex act.That is, 5 to 15 seconds into the act of sexual intercourse, she said, "Stop." He stopped immediately. She claimed rape. Thus, before his 23rd birthday, Rich Gorman of Orlando, Fla., was locked behind bars in the Liberty Correctional Institute near Tallahassee, serving a five-year sentence for sexual battery.One minute a junior at Florida State University majoring in business/computer systems, the next a prison inmate labeled a sex offender.I've hesitated to write about the case because all such cases are complex, as we've been reminded the past several weeks by the rape case at Duke University. Gorman's case bears little resemblance to the Duke episode, except that both involve youth and alcohol, a toxic combination in the sexual arena of he said/she said.The moral of Gorman's story, which can't be proved or disproved in this limited space, is that boys and men accused of rape have little hope of reclaiming the life they once knew, regardless of whether they're guilty or innocent.

To fully get an idea of what happened in this case, you'll have to read the entire story here. If nothing else, it wakes you up to the result of those who would falsely accuse a innocent person of a heinous crime. And sadly, it will make it harder for the next woman to come forward and tell the truth. Because, no matter what- people will remember. And the sins of one will be reflected upon the other.

My heart goes out to the family of the young man in the story. It seems, by the little information given, that a grave injustice was committed.

And my heart goes out to my friend, because I know a grave injustice has been committed against you also.
I support victims. I do. Only sometimes the victims are the ones accused... and not the ones accusing.

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